What is your blog about, really?!?

There’s no clever song title for this. It’s just the real, raw deal. I guess you could call me a blogger, but I don’t promote my blog to make money. It’s just an online journal, really. I started my blog to share with others who might be in a similar place.

After a long time of being a people pleaser and doing what I thought (or was told) others expected of me I arrived at a destination and it was like I suddenly awakened with a voice in my head asking, “WHY are you here”? And I didn’t have an answer. As the girl who always had an answer, this was new. I never considered that maybe the first thing that comes to mind about how to solve a problem might not be the best way. But I decided to sit in that uncomfortable feeling and discover WHO I was and WHY I was. I had to sift through a ton of stuff. It took time – years even- and I’m still not done. But one of the major things I had to ponder was WHAT I believe.

I know many people who hear the word “Christian” or “Jesus” and then react in disgust, they dismiss the words and anything associated with them because they knew someone (or many) who didn’t represent what it really means to be a Christian to them.

That breaks my heart. And if that happened to you, I’m so sorry! As I’ve mentioned before, I personally took an almost 20 year hiatus from faith for the exact same reason. It’s ironic really that Jesus came so that ALL could have the gift of salvation. He didn’t pick and choose. In fact he preferred the company of those the religious leaders of the time shunned.

Yet, I think that my generation grew up with an ideal about religion and it was basically something like this, “Here’s a list of all the bad stuff that will send you to Hell. Don’t do that stuff and don’t associate with those who do. Be better than that.” Or at least that was my experience.

Imagine my surprise when I figured out that isn’t even what it’s really all about. In fact it’s not even about being religious at all. It’s about cultivating a relationship and receiving unconditional love through my belief in Jesus Christ. More than that, it’s telling others about the Good News so they can also experience growth through relationship with God and salvation.

I can specifically remember telling myself I’ll never be one of “those people” who listens to praise music all the time and studies the Bible, because I just couldn’t get past the rigidity I’d experienced with ritual, that for me lacked depth. Now I know what was missing! I had no relationship with God, I just thought that I needed to believe in Him so I wouldn’t go to Hell.

You know what’s even more mind blowing than that? Many people who struggle with a relationship with a family member, or find themselves in superficial relationships have about that depth of relationship with God. Why is that? Questions, questions questions!

But there I go, as I do getting a little off topic. Getting back to God’s all inclusive invitation. You don’t have to be perfect to receive an invitation. Otherwise there’s no way I’d be even talking to you today because I’ve done some stuff! The invitation was extended to you nearly 2000 years ago. He doesn’t need you to earn it, none of us can. In today’s world it’s easy to understand why this is so hard to fathom, it can seem too good to be true, right?

I’m too far gone, some say, there’s no hope for me. Where would I even start? My suggestion would be to first seek out a group of true believers. That won’t be easy and it’s possible you’ve tried before and given up. Me too! My advice, you’ll know a true believer because you can tell them anything you’ve done and you won’t notice any change in how they treat you. More than likely, they will join in and tell you about some of their walk, and when you’re done you’ll have gained a friend.

Honestly I probably visited about 8 different churches before I discovered that, and that was just in one town. If you’re in Oklahoma, that place for me was Crossings Community Church, off Portland Avenue in OKC. It’s a large church, but after I started attending there it just felt like a large family. They broadcast live and they also have Wednesday night teaching series taught by a man who to me is like a modern day C.S. Lewis. He has no shame in telling the story of how he was a nonbeliever and had it all figured out (so he thought) but now he’s diving into the history of the Bible and explaining it in ways I never understood, even though I read the same thing multiple times. From that I’ve cut through a sizable portion of ways the Bible and it’s message was misrepresented to me. I’m so thankful there are those who have this man’s gift!

I don’t live in OKC anymore but my family still tunes in on Wednesday nights when we can to gain understanding and wisdom.

I really miss attending their Celebrate Recovery program, it was transformational for me to realize that Love can be extended to people who are struggling with addictions, or as they like to call it, hurts, habits and hangups. It takes something like the 12 step program to a whole new level. They show you how things others made you to feel were shameful can be overcome and CELEBRATED!

Back to my blog’s purpose. When you find something that you love so much you want to tell all your friends about, like let’s just say an amazing pair of running shoes that fit so good and you just love wearing.

Well, I think my love of God is kind of like those shoes, they make the “run” a lot easier but it’s still a lot of work. Don’t be fooled into thinking once you follow Christ you will have a problem free life. Just as a marathon you’ve never run before can have twists and turns you weren’t expecting, life can be the same with an unexpected event or realization leaving you with ragged breath.

There’s a difference between running a marathon and running after God.

Knowing with God you aren’t alone, when you get to those tough spots in life He is there to fall back on, to let Him carry you. When you’re just relying on your own strength there are some things that are impossible. Even if you are a regular marathon runner and have the gift of superior physical strength (I don’t!) it’s still possible to struggle. So maybe my analogy doesn’t resonate with you if 26.2 is just a pretty cool bumper sticker you’ve seen on somebody else’s car. Thats ok, because after running a 5 K I’d be the one saying “Jesus save me!” 😆 Everyone has their kryptonite. I bet you’re thinking of exactly what that is for you right now.

Another part of being a Christian is like being a parent who doesn’t want to see their child suffer through all the mistakes they had to make to learn from them. And let me tell you I have serious regret about so many things I did without any wisdom guiding me. I’m so grateful now for meeting my (now) best friend at an extremely low point in my life when I was divorced and trying to carry the world on my shoulders. She gave me a book that showed me a completely different side of Christianity, not like the judgemental, ostracizing mentality I was familiar with. I talk about that a little bit more here. This article: You give Love a Bad Name

Anyway this was the book:

And it might seem odd to some that Compassion wouldn’t be something my mind tied in with being a Christ follower. I wish it wouldn’t have taken me over 37 years to get this wake up call but I’m so glad I did. It’s my hope that this blog would reach others that need that same thing. To not feel like your only choice is to go it alone.

So, what’s my blog about? It’s about authenticity, it’s about love and it’s about how God gave me something to live for. After the tumultuous year we’ve had, with such a divided nation, I feel like someone out there is searching.

I love music. I’ve got the “Soundtrack of my life” in my head, for real. So you’ll notice a running theme of songs chosen for titles of my blogs!

I hope you will enjoy future blog posts as well as check out some of my “Greatest Hits”. Check out Greatest Hits here I’d love to hear about your journey and what speaks to you, too!

Since it’s been a little over a year since I first launched my blog tRUTHfulonline.com (Copyright 2017) I thought it might be fun to highlight some of my “top hits”. You may have noticed many of the titles of my blog posts are titles to songs. I don’t know if you can relate, but I often have what I like to call “the soundtrack of my life” on loop in my head. Plus I LOVE music! If I’m sad I listen to music, if I’m pumped I listen to music. I sing to my daughter daily at bedtime and during daily routines. I definitely sing in the car. I mean who can resist a jam session with three adorable back up singers? Of course now that my soon to be 12 year old likes to play DJ, I don’t always know the words!

*tRUTHful Greatest Hits*

The Show Must Go On – Queen

Reckless Love – Cory Asbury

Broken – Seether

Look What You Made Me Do – Taylor Swift

Live Like You Were Dying – Tim McGraw

Mama’s Broken Heart – Miranda Lambert

I Will Remember You – Sarah McLachlan

Nothing Else Matters – Metallica You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash

Give Me Something to Believe In – Poison

(this one is a bit of a teaser because I called in Give Me Something to Believe in, but also referenced Forgiven by Alannis Morissette and Not Guilty by Mandisa)

Poker Face – Lady Gaga

Young and Beautiful – Lana Del Ray

My “album” even has some original tracks:

Old New Blue Jeans – Inspired by a couple of old country songs about Blue Jeans

Taste and See – Inspired by Hillsong/Oceans

Weed Em Out – Inspired by my garden

Burnt Buttermilk Biscuit – inspired by Sir Mix Alot

The Inspiration – inspired by Chicago

I hope you will enjoy checking out my labor of love over the past year. I leave you with my favorite bible verse containing the word Greatest.

So these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬ ‭

The Show Must Go On

‘Inside my heart is breaking

My make-up may be flaking

But my smile still stays on’

The song by Queen seems to embody a popular idea in our culture; regardless of how you may feel behind the scenes, even if you are barely holding it together, plaster on that smile and tell people you’re “Good” when they ask. And why is that?

Two celebrities took their own lives this summer, and it’s been said most people didn’t know they were struggling. But hang on, before you assume you know what this article is about, I challenge you to read on.

Could it be that depression is often met with comments like “Quit playing the victim. Other people have it worse than you do….” or “what do you have to be so sad about?” There’s a lot of pressure in our society to “be brave” in difficult situations. I’ve noticed this especially with parents and children. But when we say “be brave” we’re also saying “don’t be scared” or “I can’t handle your sadness. Don’t show that to me”!

How much pressure are we putting on the people we love to be brave and to get over stuff and get “on with the show”?

Other diseases – like cancer for example- we hear people say stuff like “She kicked cancer’s butt, she’s a survivor”. We have a tendency to champion people who overcome things. (Side note: Definitely know that I am not discounting anyone who has overcome cancer.) But then there is Depression, and with suicide, that doesn’t have the same kind of ending.

When I think about it, why is something as simple as sadness so uncomfortable for people? Quite often when you see someone crying, you’ll see another try to do something to make it stop, like offer them a tissue or, less sympathetically, just ask them what their problem is or tell them to stop crying. Why is it so shameful in our society to be sad?

I would argue that some of the bravest people are those who battle a disease (because yes, Depression IS a disease) and attempt to overcome it.

Validating emotion, whether it makes us feel uncomfortable or not, is what we are called to do. Most of the time when people think of those we need to help as Christians, the needy and marginalized come to mind. Well, doesn’t our society marginalized people with depression?

The stigma that is mental health… “Oh they’re crazy”. “They are mental”. “What a hot mess”. “She’s out of control”. “Cray Cray”! Even some headlines we always see floating around after someone dies by suicide, ones like “Killing Yourself is Selfish” and if that’s not judgemental enough for you, how about, “Suicide doesn’t stop your pain, it just transfers it to another person”. If you have ever read those headlines and thought, “Yeah that’s right”! I’d love it if you’d reply in the comments section and give me some insight. Far from selfish, this is a suffering human being. Suicide is not a sin someone commits, it’s an act of desperation by someone who is hurting and sees no hope.

By now you’ve probably noticed a theme regarding authenticity going on here with my blog. If you know me personally, it’s probably something you’re aware I’m working on. I think of the number of exhausting years I put on my “show”. Having suffered with persistent depression on and off for decades, I reached a point in my life where I looked in the mirror and Just.Felt.Tired. Tired of Living.

Self awareness and getting the help I needed has resulted In me realizing this is the way I’m wired, probably the way my brain was formed in chaos, and the way my mind learned to cope with things. Depression isn’t a disease that a person can wish away. There are people that have a lifelong battle with it. Be kind. If you can’t understand depression, take some time to educate yourself about it. What you may view as someone “playing the victim” just might be the only way they know how to cry for help.

It’s very likely there’s someone you know who always says they are “Good” when you ask who really isn’t. It’s possible that person has grown tired of putting on a show, and it’s possible that YOU could be the one person who can help them to feel like they aren’t alone.

A verse that has personally helped me when I felt overwhelmed was this:

I like the picture with this verse because it represents to me the feeling of hope I’ve often needed, similar to the old “Footprints in the sand” poem. If you’ve never heard it, check it out here:

Footprints In The Sand by Mary Stevenson

When I think back to some of my saddest moments, I realized when I didn’t know God, I felt utterly alone, and wondered, just like the Queen song goes,

On and on, does anyone know what we are living for?

It took a lot of insight, but looking back now I can see where God carried me through some difficult times when I didn’t feel like I had the strength to go on.

A word of caution though. Depression is a serious thing. A person shouldn’t be made to feel like they are weak and that they just need to become a more devoted believer to relieve their depression. If you suspect someone is contemplating suicide, ASK. And even if they aren’t, but are struggling, walk alongside them and help them get the care they need.

If you are reading this and feel hopeless and need help, I pray you will call this number for the National Suicide Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255

or tell someone that can help you. Also you can check out this link for additional resources:

Lifeline

This is the actual web address.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Inspiration for this blog:

Queen – The Show Must Go On

Old New Blue Jeans

Recently I put on a pair of jeans that I bought probably 3 years ago and had never worn. I bought them without trying them on and when I got home I discovered that even though they were the same size as the other pair I DID try on, and made by the same designer, they were a slightly different cut. So rather than return them, I said “I’m going to fit in these jeans one day so I’m not going to return them”. I think I might have tried them on another time or two, they still didn’t fit, and then life happened.

I was elated to discover as a newly remarried mom of two boys that I was pregnant again. I had a suspicion this was true when I went to a crawfish boil and the smell and idea of eating crawfish repulsed me even though normally I would have loved the opportunity. Later at my May birthday dinner, I passed on having a glass of wine but wasn’t sure why. A few days later a pregnancy test confirmed the reason and boy was I sooo sick. I was so moody and just really had zero energy which was tough because at the time I was enrolled in a Graduate degree program.

I decided not to immediately announce my pregnancy, and in the back of my mind I had a bad feeling. A few weeks later when I started spotting, I was taken back to memories I had when a similar thing happened with a pregnancy resulting in miscarriage. I went to see my OB and had an ultrasound; I was still pregnant but it was unsure if the baby was developing. I was experiencing every pregnancy symptom while facing the unbelievable possibility that this pregnancy could end. I had to keep going in for ultrasounds to check the progress. Although the gestational sac was growing the OB said it was 50/50 whether the baby would start growing. She said she’d seen the exact same thing with another mother who was now over 20 weeks along. I was so hopeful but also so anxious and scared.

At 11 weeks the doctor gave me the news I dreaded hearing, the fetus was not developing. I waited and nothing happened. The doctor described it as a missed miscarriage. I’d have to have a procedure done. It was around the Fourth of July now, a holiday that I couldn’t even begin to think about celebrating.

After the procedure I began feeling much more moody, and depression and grief set in. I felt so alone and sad. I began struggling to even want to get out of bed. I’d go to my Assessments class and couldn’t even process what the instructor was saying. The class was a tough one; I began to realize that I might not be able to pass the class and my school had a policy where you weren’t allowed to miss any classes. Finally I decided to talk to my Director and decided to drop the course so I wouldn’t fail it. I sat there in tears considering whether I even wanted to continue in the program because by now I was about 6 weeks in to a serious phase of hopelessness. All I could think about was trying to get pregnant again because of the gaping hole that loss had left.

Unfortunately I wasn’t seeking help or getting the support I needed. Since I hadn’t told anyone outside of my husband and best friend about the pregnancy, other people around me didn’t know what was going on and didn’t reach out to me or even seemed to reject me. I felt isolated and alone. Things might have continued to spiral downward until in late September I got another positive pregnancy test.

I was so scared I couldn’t even be happy about it. I feared it would end the same. The timing wasn’t the best; I had just started the internship required for my Masters degree. With the dropped class and now this, I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to complete my program. If it weren’t for my best friend speaking prophecy into me that this baby would grow and develop into a strong and healthy baby girl, I don’t know what I would have done. Every day of that first trimester was an uphill battle as I was still dealing with depression and lack of support.

Around that time it occurred to me I wasn’t trusting God to help me deal with any of the intense feelings I was experiencing. I walked into Mardel Christian Books Store one day, and on the featured books table was the book “Whispers of Hope” by Beth Moore. It was a daily prayer devotional and at that moment God spoke to me and told me “Give it a try”.

As a counseling student, I knew that 10 weeks of journaling about hope could be very beneficial. So began the process of me burrowing in and this book ended up becoming my survival guide. Literally all I was doing was surviving though. I was so worried my emotions would effect my unborn child. I prayed every day for her protection. At the same time I fought a daily struggle to not drop out of my degree program. My heart and soul just felt like it was being crashed against a huge rock every single day, and I just fought to keep going, always just reaching out for hope. To be honest at the time I’m not sure how I got through. Looking back It felt like that line from the Footprints in the Sand poem; clearly God carried me!

The next year and a half from my daughter’s birth to now seemed like I was climbing a steep, steep mountain. When I came across those unworn jeans, they still had the tag on them. Since my skinny jeans had recently become loose on me, I had a suspicion they would fit and they did.

The funny thing is, I had to look back at everything that happened between then and now and ask myself if I was really happy about being able to fit in those jeans now. The person I was then would’ve used it as a measure to some sort of “success”. The person I am now just looks in the mirror and thinks “they’re just jeans, but look at the person I’ve become inside and the ridiculous amount of clarity that has been unveiled by faith that could literally move me up and down a mountain!”

Taste and See

I was shopping at Mardel the other day. It’s typically a place I go to for some much needed solitude in my chaotic life. It’s like when I walk in the door I just feel peace. I can almost hear the “Ahhhh” resonate within me as I enter. And oddly enough I often hear a song over the loud speakers in there that feels like a direct connection to Heaven; it’s kind of surreal when that happens! During a difficult period of my life after my divorce, the song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United (check it out here: https://youtu.be/dy9nwe9_xzw ) would play at just the right time, not just at Mardel, but on the radio and when I visited a church over a thousand miles from my home!  I figured God was trying to tell me something, and it turns out he was! I got through that rough patch in my life not by my own strength, but by persistently holding on to my Faith.

Anyway, when I walked in yesterday I realize the store was under renovation and it wasn’t the usual quiet place I go to for solitude. Jack hammers and pounding replaced the usual calm atmosphere. The total layout of the store seemed to have changed also. How strange that even amidst all that construction noise I still begin to feel the same feeling of peace that I treasure when I go there!
So I was looking around trying to find gifts to put in my daughter’s time capsule for her first birthday, thinking about things that when she is 18 years old will speak to her about her future.
I really got very introspective about the woman that she will become and how I’m going to help her develop her spirituality and identity as a woman.
I thought about the innocence of a child and how adults expose children to faith.
Then, I thought about my own experiences with learning what religion was all about.
Then I saw it….

taste

The entire verse of Psalm 34:8 reads: Taste and See that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him (NIV).

When I saw this bag I thought “how perfect?!” I mean, isn’t that exactly what we do? We give our kids a taste of what religion is. Depending on how we present it to them, that taste can be sweet, sour maybe even bitter depending on the flavor we add. I mean, will they even want to taste it if it’s presented to them in such a way? Or are we figuratively or literally cramming it down their throats while screaming “Do as I say but not as I do?”Maybe, just maybe it can be something they savor and want to taste again and again and achieve what this verse suggests, taking refuge in the kingdom of God because we know its going to be soooo good!

spices

If you are just joining my blog, here’s the back story. tRUTHful is a blog inspired by the biblical character Ruth, being one of only 2 woman who have books named after them in the old testament.  My desire is to inspire and connect with other people interested in cultivating authenticity and character by the way we lead our lives.

Burnt buttermilk biscuit

Let me be transparent here. I thought long and hard about launching a blog that had something to do with faith or Christianity. Reason being, sometimes as soon as you mention these words people run screaming in the opposite direction because they’ve met someone who represented these ideas in a negative way and that bothers me. It’s the same reason why I took about an 18 year hiatus from religion myself.
But then I thought, there needs to be a voice for people like me or people like you who might feel like that. So before you see my biblical references or scripture in here and think “oh here’s another disillusioned Christian trying to tell me how to live my life” please understand where I’m coming from.
I’m far from having all the answers. In fact, I’d liken to myself to these biscuits I put in the oven under the broiler (because the oven heats up faster that way) and forgot to turn it back to 400 before baking them. I’m a work In progress. I’ve sadly had to learn the hard way from my mistakes, but underneath the surface you may find something amazing! IMG_6546

Inspiration

Ruth was a Moabite woman who ended up becoming a widow, but returned to Bethlehem with her Mother in law, Naomi. Naomi was in a particularly sad situation, as her husband and both sons were now dead, leaving her alone. She was bitter. And who could blame her?
What is it about Ruth that speaks to me? Her faithfulness. She lost her husband and did not bear him any children. In that time it was in her best interest to find a new husband, not stand by her MIL. But Ruth told Naomi, “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”
‭‭Ruth‬ ‭1:16-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬
http://bible.com/111/rut.1.16-17.niv

Ruth was true to her word. What a comfort she must have been for a woman who had lost everything dear to her.
Her character traits inspired me and her name is at the root of the name I chose for my blog. I picture her as a woman who has courage, but most importantly, hope. There’s so many things that can steal a woman’s hope away in the world we live in, but that wasn’t where Ruth chose to focus her time and energy. She knew somehow that the best was yet to come!
More than that, I’m reminded of other woman of strong character that have inspired me. It is my desire to raise my daughter this way.
It’s kind of funny, when my sons were born I wasn’t nearly as passionate about this. There’s something about raising a daughter who will one day leave my home and it’s very important to me that she know her worth and be strong.

Read on, my upcoming blog entries will pursue authentically living in today’s world while we tackle issues relevant to people trying to keep the faith. IMG_6540

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