š¶ Help me want the Healer, More than the healing š¶
It seems like a natural progression to me now, but it didnāt back then.
My taste in music is generally pretty edgy. I like some depth. Some raw, live acoustic music. Throw in a raspy voice or deep inflection, some passionate lyrics, and youāve got me in my happy place. But sometimes even I need a feel good song.
This is that song; āMore than Anythingā. I can hear it coming from a place of desperation, a place Iāve been before. Back in my totally clichĆØ āJesus take the Wheelā days (translated, thats the āI donāt know what the hell Iām doing here God, but I sure have messed things up on my own steam, PLEASE please help me.ā)
That was the single Mom living paycheck to paycheck whoād just been laid off unexpectedly and bawled my eyes out when HR walked in and coldly gave us all our pink slips a week or so before Thanksgiving. I remember thinking āWhat the hell am I gonna do?!ā
I remember later that night in a fit of chest seizing anxiety, drinking a glass of wine, looking into the mirror at my tear stained cheeks just feeling so defeated. I had been plugging along telling myself if I could just pay my bills, my rent, my car payment, buy food for my kids, Iād be fine. And then it just felt like someone pulled the rug out from under me. In that moment I prayed the desperate prayer āLord why is this happening? PLEASE HELP ME!ā
š¶ I know if You wanted to, You could wave Your hand
Spare me this heartache, and change Your plan.
And I know any second You could take my pain away.
But even if You don’t, I pray…š¶
Iād mentioned before about how Iād once been turned off by religion, but I know now it was the people that falsely represented it that actually turned me off. There in that very workspace a couple of years before, Iād encountered a coworker who walked it out differently. She saw my down trodden attitude and somehow identified a deep and hurting soul. Did she come to me and tell me I needed Jesus, or make me feel judged? Nope. She handed me a book entitled āLettersā of Mother Teresa. I remember looking at it and thinking āHmmm, I vaguely know who that is, I think I heard about her on the news or something.ā I thanked my coworker and said Iād take a look at it.
I opened up the book and started reading about a woman who surprisingly reminded me a little of myself. She had a deep need to help humanity but she felt so much emptiness inside her that it was nearly overwhelming. And she liked to write! Her letters reminded me of the poems I wrote as a teenager, where emotion filled every word. Compassion and Christian in the same sentence? I shook my head. This equation hadnāt been one that equated for me in the past.
That this happened was one of those things only God could have orchestrated, my coworker (now my best friend) refused to take credit, stating only that she was an instrument of God. Talk about goosebumps!
š¶You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And You know I’d give anything for a remedy
And I’ll ask a thousand more times to set me free today
Oh, but even if You don’t, I pray š¶
Amazingly less than six months prior to the layoff I had begun therapy. And the only reason I had an ounce of hope that a therapist would show me compassion was due to one person showing me what that looked like. I would go on to find a community of others who thought and acted the same. And it just so happens that the therapist was a graduate of the Grad School I would go on to get my Masters in Counseling degree from.
I couldnāt see it that day nor could I see it for a few months afterwards, but that layoff would change my whole trajectory. Iād go on to have a job that not only paid my bills but also gave me an opportunity to do something Iād always wanted to do but didnāt think that I could. Most importantly I had internalized the sentiment mentioned in this verse.

From āLORD HELP MEā to āIām so glad I have my faith, and a loving Father.ā You donāt even know how much thatās helped me since Covid hit!
More than Anything Natalie Grant